Articulation

The other night I made my rounds picking up the high school girls for bible study. One of the girls brother, Andy, was with her and it was going to be too difficult to coordinate getting him to the guys bible study, so I said it was fine if he came with us this week, but that he should work it out to go with the guys the next week.

I was going to have to lead this bible study by myself because the other two leaders had other obligations. I was tired and had felt sick earlier on in the day. It started with Andy trying to sit next to the other girls. Then he made a comment about how he would take one of the girls home and spend the night with her. I just gave him a look and shook my head. Finally, he leaned forward and rubbed one of the girls arms and said 'Hey Baby!" That was it I couldn't take it anymore. So I snapped at him and said something to the effect of "If you don't stop we're not going to let you come with us ever again" in an angry tone. He said "It was just a joke." and I said "Well, it's not funny!" in a pretty harsh tone. I'm not one to typically act out of anger or to lay down a rule and not explain it, but in that moment I did not know how to articulate why this was so important to me. There wasn't much talking in the car after that. I suddenly felt empathy for parents who try to discipline their kids in the best way they know how. But I never liked it when people had rules and didn't explain them.

When we got to my apartment, Andy asked "You don't like the way I talk to girls?" in a seriously inquisitive tone. At this point I knew I had to try and articulate my thoughts and feelings. It's quite possible that this behavior has been acceptable in all of his realms of influence. Perhaps his family does it, his peers at school do it, the music he listens to promotes it, the TV and billboards also make it seem acceptable and maybe his teachers have never caught him or corrected him. So it's possible that he really didn't know what was wrong with it. So I said something like "Well, the comments you made were sexually insinuating and a lot of times women are treated like sex objects and not for the what they really have to offer." I'm not sure that was the best explanation. Maybe there were too many big words. But he didn't ask anymore questions after that and stopped making comments.

After this experience, I realized how the ability to articulate rules, morals and values is important to parenting (and other roles over children). A lot of times kids get confused by the rules, don't understand their boundaries, and get inconsistent discipline. These are a few reasons why they may act out. There's been a few times I've wanted to be critical of certain parenting styles. For example, when a parent yells at a baby for doing something it didn't know it shouldn't do. But in this moment, I realized how difficult parenting could be. It's not always easy to know how to explain to a kid why a rule is there or why certain boundaries exist. You just want them to do what you say and do it now. But nonetheless, I feel like articulating my thoughts and feelings about a particular rule or boundary is important. It's not only easier, but in fact desirable to follow a rule when you actually understand its purpose. And I'm hoping to not only instill in these youth rules, but values that they can also take ownership of.

When I've thought of the 'have's' and the 'have nots' I don't think I had "ability to articulate rules, boundaries, morals, and values" on the list. But I think this is yet another skill that not everyone has been taught, which can affect the decisions people make. Yeah, some people straight up sin knowing what they are doing is wrong. But others I think just don't know and it's one of my roles to figure out how to articulate certain things to them.