Racial Reconciliation: The Tables Turn

I've been experiencing this tension when it comes to racial reconciliation. It's funny what God can bring up when we really open our hearts to letting him show us the ugliness. So, I've had this recent discovery. When my InterVarsity fellowship used to discuss racial reconciliation, I would always see myself as the White girl being reconciled to everyone else.

Even though, I've tried hard to cling to my Latina roots and embrace that side of me as well, I think I'm usually perceived as White by people. And so the looking glass self theory (I think that's what it's called) proves to be true for me. The way I think others perceive me is the way I tend to perceive myself.

So when my fellowship would have discussions on race and reconciliation, it always felt pretty easy for me. I grew up in a school that was 5% white. I actually feel more comfortable around non-whites (mostly Latinos and Blacks since I had the most exposure to them). So I just thought, oh, this is easy, I can be reconcilied to these other people no problem because I have all kinds of friends of different races.

However, as the years have passed, God has been exposing the not-so-pretty parts of my heart. Little by little I've begun to realize that the people I need to be reconciled to are not only the Blacks, Latinos, Asians and so on (I still have much to learn about these cultures/races), but in fact the White people. I still remember when me and my friends growing up went to this particular movie theater that was in the nicer part of town. It was around the time The Sixth Sense came out. When we got to the theater, there were White people everywhere. My friends and I joked and said "I see White people!". A bit scared at first. I also remember this awkwardness when I started college since my college was 50% White. It really threw me off at first. It was culture shock.

God has done some work on me in this area. Having friends and family of the races you need to have reconciliation with is really helpful. But I know I still have a ways to go. I just think this was a somewhat interesting discovery for me since I think I'm usually perceived as White, there are ways that I function that are more of a White thing, and I am part White. But I think I have negative views about those parts of myself.

I think part of it is me being self - deprecating. As a child, I felt like being White was bad. That's the sense I got from my schoolmates that mostly were not White. So, since I am multi-racial, and since I was told that you go by what your Dad is, then I just decided to not associate myself with being White. I would always get defensive with my schoolmates and exclaim "I'm not White!" Part of it was an attempt to defend being recognized for all of who I am and not just what I look like. But part of it was me rejecting what I felt was considered bad.

I began my ethnic identity journey in college, with the help of my staff worker. It started with me embracing the Latina side of me. That was good. But now I'm realizing that I also need to embrace the White side of me. This has been challenged in Servant Partners being that our whole class is White and Asian. And I just started going to a mostly Asian, but also White, church. God's begun to expose my prejudices and racism towards Asians as well. I had little exposure to those cultures growing up.

To sum it up, I thought I was sort of bailed out of the hard part of racial reconciliation due to the way I grew up, but I have realized this is not the case. It's true what my staff worker said "Everyone's a racist". And if you think you aren't, then just ask God to show you, if you believe in Him of course. And I can testify that He will.